I started to find food as the source of life in age 12. It was a love/ hate affair. I hated to eat because I had been afraid of getting fat and yet I needed to eat because if I did not I would get dizzy and get into fights with people who apparently cared for me.
This struggle continued from age 12 until age 32. Pest Control Service
I would show everyone I was strong and I could do anything. As I continued to do good things for others, I felt great but then that fantastic feeling went away and I was alone and miserable. I needed to pick “do I eat or not eat’?
When I did not eat I felt lighter but I got dizzy and felt from it. As soon as I ate -I picked at my food and ended up eating crap later and off it. I never knew who was actually my friend because there were so many men and women who treated me badly, teased me, I felt like my life was a joke.
There were points when I determined that I could kick this -I was decided. I realized how unhappy I was and decided I needed to do something to change this -so I found that when I did daring and new things I received my enthusiasm and life back. After a while, however, the distress came back so that I found somewhere else to go.
I decided that it wasn’t safe to share feelings with other people since I’ll get into trouble if I did.
When I sought help I was told that I was “perfect”, it was “all in my mind” or that everybody goes through that. Just eat from all of the food groups.
Finally at age 31 I was living alone -what a blessing -nobody to watch over me, I could do what I wanted. This time I’d be fine -I assured myself. I’d pray -Dear God, if you get me through this I guarantee I’ll never to do it again. How often did I break that promise?
My ways of gaining control weren’t working. I would try to make myself throw up and I could not. There are many others who can do this better. I’m such a wuss.
That’s one of the key reasons I could never go through with killing myself. I was afraid of what others would think of me. Then on the other hand I’d think about what I wanted to do in my entire life. And the fact that I am so scared of dying, life and death. Life would be so much better with out food and feelings as well as with friends because then they would not be concerned about me and I would not feel guilty about letting them down. I needed to do something …